My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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