I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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