this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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