Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
