If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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