So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
