Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
