so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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