Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I got inside last night via doggy door
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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