Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
