i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
