I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
