So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did I show you my penis last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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