so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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