Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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