The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
