After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
