Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
