I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
