i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
