I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
