THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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