What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
