The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
