I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
not ubering you a puppy
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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