even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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