Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
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You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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