I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it because I queefed?
sarcasm needs its own font
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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