I heard we made out
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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