how can u be prego again
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
