if i died would you start the facebook group?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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