just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
