wrigley field is MILF paradise
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
