I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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