last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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