I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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