Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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