is your mom at the bar?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
