my phone needs a breathalizer
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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