I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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