chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
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I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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