3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
