for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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