the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
drinking out of a sandbucket again
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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