Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
