Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
