Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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