I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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