Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
