capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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