He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
