I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
