Just fell off a train. Bad.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
