were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
