dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
