Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
