Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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