i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
