I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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