My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
