you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
