ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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