Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
